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Wednesday, 6 December 2017

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Between Two Extremes

  “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ~ Charles Bukowski 

One of my biggest challenges in life is finding the balance between two extremes. When I say this I mean discovering a healthy mix of the Little devil and angel that sit on my shoulders, just waiting for any chance they get to bombard me with each of their one sided opinions. On one hand, lies my selfish, impulsive, reckless side - my devilish thoughts that entice me into my wildest fantasies. On the other hand, there's the empathetic, caring, loving, angelic side of me who cares dearly about my own & others health and happiness. My 'angel' is the one whom I often spend the majority of my time listening to - sometimes too much - to the point where I drive myself insane trying to make sure I'm doing the 'right' or 'good' thing. I really don't like to cause any drama, unnecessary upset or chaos for myself or for others around me and by listening to my angel, I do my best to avoid this.



I can be extremely self critical, anxious and analytical. Sometimes, overthinking decisions to the point where my head literally starts to hurt. I get frustrated with the amount of time I spend trying to work out if something is good or bad and then start blaming myself when Ive chosen the wrong one. I'll start to feel guilty for any 'mistakes' I've made, when often it's just me expecting too highly of myself and in turn, unnecessarily stressing out. On the flip side, some days I wake up and -to put it bluntly- I don't give a sh*t. Some days, I feel pushed to my limit and I don't care about trying to please people or structuring my life in order to cater for anyone but myself. I don't care if I offend anyone or if my actions are going to affect me later on - within reason. Some days, I just want to let my hair down and not think for once, to let my mind be washed clean and allow the void to suck me into a little bubble of my own. It feels really damn good to just shout - F*CK IT ALL! - and stop worrying about everyone and everything. To just do what you want to do rather than spending your time stressing about what others want or expect of you.


I've learnt that you can't always please others or even yourself and by expecting that of yourself all the time puts an awful lot of pressure on your own shoulders and ends up driving you to want to switch the the complete opposite - Not giving a f*ck. Which then kind of defeats the point of what your were trying to achieve in the first place. Sometimes I manage to feel like I'm standing on the middle ground, like things are going steady and I've more or less got a rhythm going but every so often Im pushed over the edge again and I veer off to one side. So I ask myself, what does that mean? Does it mean that I'm not naturally a 'balanced person' ? - Surely there aren't people who just pop straight out of their mothers wombs knowing all the answers. Surely there aren't people who have it all figured out and are completely balanced and 'sane' all of the time, throughout their whole lives ?! Who knows, maybe there are people who get everything right all of the time - maybe these people are the extremely annoyingly Judgemental kind who make you feel bad for any choice you make that isn't deemed acceptable to them, but what if the most judgmental person in your life, is your own self? Maybe I am the only one who makes bad choices, as my mind likes to make me feel...but of course, I know deep down that I'm not and We all know this is just a trick our minds play on us. I find it strange how we are made/make ourselves feel like we are going crazy if we don't have our sh*t together all of the time. This is where its important to listen to both your little angel and your devil. They provide us with views from either side of the spectrum which gives us the opportunity to decide the kind of person you are or would like to be.

         (Images by Sam Davis)
We often put way too much pressure on ourselves, to keep people happy, to make the right decisions, to avoid upsetting a rhythm in our lives but we have to remember that there is only so much we can do to avoid these things and ultimately you may be trying so hard to keep things steady and to please people that you may end up making yourself unhappy in the process. I always say, living in extremes is a bit like jumping onto a rollercoaster and letting it take you on a crazy ride without needing to put any effort into knowing how to control it. Finding a balance is slightly more difficult as it requires time and effort to learn how to drive yourself through the highs, lows and loop-the-loops without completely loosing your marbles. I always think its important to learn from what is difficult, to embrace the things in which do not come second nature to us. I search for balance and sometimes I manage to find it for a while before I eventually loose it again but Im cool with that, I like to feel crazy sometimes. Like I said, it feels great to shout - F*ck It - and do your own thing if you feel the need, its like a huge release. It's just that we usually come back to the realisation that we do care about others in our lives and their thoughts and feelings. Its about finding the balance - wouldn't it be amazing if more often than not you could find a middle ground where you didn't feel like you were pushed to the point of saying - F*ck it all - and not caring anymore?




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